Reader Question: I want so to be a good mother-in-law and I try very hard. I keep my mouth shut for fear of making the relationship with my daughter-in-law bad if I would say the wrong thing. But now I feel used, unappreciated, and, a lot of times, uncomfortable around her. I do things around their house to help out because they are so busy and they don’t get them done. She doesn’t like to cook or go to the grocery store, and my son does it all, including ironing his own clothes. I help out because I think that if I do what she should be doing, then I help my son because he won’t have as much to do. I am having feelings of resentment and feel unappreciated. I love my two granddaughters very much, but feel it is out of place to speak my mind. I think my daughter-in-law is resentful that I am so accommodating because her mother only visits twice a year. It is hard for me to get close. I am a hugger and she isn’t. I don’t know what to do. Help me. I want to do the right thing.
We often hear from paternal grandmothers who feel they don’t have a good relationship with their daughters-in-law. There are a lot of daughter-in-law horror stories. This can be so difficult, when your motivation is coming from love and wanting to have a good relationship with your grandchildren. It is clear from your question that you want to have a closer relationship with your daughter-in-law, too. But it also seems that you are still taking on the role of caregiver for your son. If your son is old enough to be married and have two children, it’s time for him to fight his own battles. If he thinks his wife isn’t living up to her part of the partnership, then that’s his issue to deal with - not yours. If he doesn’t like ironing his clothes, then he needs to discuss that with his wife. It’s not your role to step in and do those things unless you are asked to do so. Unfortunately, your feelings of resentment and being unappreciated are your own choice – you have chosen to take on this caregiving role. I urge you not to do anything for anyone that you can’t give freely without feeling resentment if it isn’t acknowledged.
If you think about it, you might feel a little put out if your mother-in-law had come into your house and started doing household chores. To build a relationship with your daughter-in-law, try to meet her at her comfort zone. If she isn’t a hugger, don’t push that. And remember, she may feel that you are nonverbally and indirectly criticizing her when you step in and do things you obviously think she should do.
In this situation, the most helpful thing you can do is to take a step back and allow your son to be the adult husband that he is. If your son and daughter-in-law don’t ask you to do things around their house, then don’t do a thing. Just take a step back and be open to their invitation. And if they ask for your help, you have every reason to be clear with them about your expectations of appreciation and respect in return. Clear and open family communication will help you work through this difficult relationship, along with some patience and acceptance. Your daughter-in-law may never be like you, and that doesn’t necessarily make her bad. it just makes her different.
